Chapter Six
” . . . but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
~ Proverbs 13: 12
I lay in my bed one day looking up at the ceiling wanting nothing but to be done with this depressed state. I was thinking about how much I yearned to be through it, and I found myself calling out to God. I don’t know remember why I thought of it this way, but I was calling out, “God, please—please—just give me the patience to get through whatever this thing is. I know You can fix it and you will do it in Your own time, but I cannot bear this on my own any longer. Please give me the strength to get through it.” I didn’t feel waves of relief come over me. I didn’t even feel better that night. I was still depressed. But God had answered my prayer. I was going to get through it.
I had turned myself off from my emotions for a long time. I really was numb. And it scared me. I didn’t want to be numb. I desperately didn’t want to be numb. I wanted to feel again. I didn’t worry that when I started to feel I might feel bad. Perhaps I was acting on faith that God would get me through it alright, even though I didn’t see it coming yet. I just knew that I wanted it. I just wanted to feel again. To be “normal.”
There is a movie called “Angus” that was made in the mid ’90s. It has been my favorite movie for a long time, and my sister recorded it off the T.V. for me for Christmas. (She couldn’t find it anywhere on DVD.) I was getting together with some of my friends to go watch it, and I was a little nervous about it. I knew the plot very well, and there is one scene—a sequence of scenes, really—that is pretty sad. I had cried every time I watched the movie, even when I knew it was coming. When I went over to my friend’s house, I was terrified that I was not going to cry during that scene. I was terrified that it was too late for me, that I was already too numb to make it back.
The entire time I was watching the movie, my mind was only on that one scene. Would I do it? What if I didn’t? What would that mean? I was focused. The scene finally came, and it was even too much for my fighting numbness to bear. I sniffled once or twice, and a few tears streamed down my cheek. My favorite tears I have ever shed. I wasn’t thrilled that I was sad. I was thrilled that I could still feel. I’m not completely numb! Those tears brought joy because I realized that I still had a chance to get through it. I rediscovered hope.
